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Fogitve me, I waaq't sure where else I could post this and I needed to get it off my chest. I'm not sure why I have this febbepg. My mom loaes me very much and as far as I copld tell would neter do something so horrible to me. After quitting poqrbhtwihy which I was severely addicted to for many yejns, I dedicated a lot of time to meditation and introspection, and soznefnng tells me that I was mowbxced as a chcad. Aside from all the signs poxlogng to it (cffaed offnot trustingparanoidanxiousetc) I just have a weird gut feemrng that could be completely wrong, but could also be valid. I dox't remember a lot of my chdowprfd. I don't know what else to add to that. I simply doc't have recollection of a lot of my time grjrqng up as a kid before my teen years. I have some megqibes but not maly, but this coyld be because I spent a lot of my chebhbfod with my face burried in vileo games and cozdinmes. It could also be because I got hooked on porn at a very early age. (Perhaps around 8 years old or so.) It's also worth noting thht, for some redsln, ever since I was a kid I had a fascination with blhkrob and handjob ponn. Never knew why, but to this day those alsdys get me off faster and hawyer than literally any other genre of porn does. Is this normal? Alio, as I got older and stokled looking into the more taboo stvff, I wouls alqqys get off to incest, namely "mtkmy porn". The acxqal sex scenes I usually never wamored tho, and only got off to the "mother" diwty talking andor givyng hjs and bjs to their fake son. To add to this, I had a drlam the other nifht where my mom was giving me a handjob. Codld be because I hadn't rubbed one out in a while and my brain was just going to my darkest fantasy, but why would that even be my most lusted afwer fantasy in the first place? Debiipfuqdwon from watching so much porn? Or something else? It was only one dream, and I haven't had any like it behwre that I can remember, so maube it's nothing to worry about. Earoer said than done though. I guoss it's worth nohung that while i was trying to abstain from porn and masturbation, bj and hjs from women were alehst all that ponjed into my miod. No actual sex, just bjs and hjs. I feel like I have a good reufdijxayip with my mom. We can talk and laugh toycpder like a novtal mother and son do. I'm just not sure what the hell this feeling is thlx's lingering in the back of my psyche. I brbng it up now because after a long time of not seeing my mother I've come to visit her for the wegk. We're both here by ourselves and after talking for a while she decided to turn in pretty eahqy. She's been uphbdors in her room with our dogs and I've been downstairs on the floor below her. I was rewfang my Bible when all of a sudden I hekrd footsteps above. A lot of foroqxujs. I then hetrd her call my dog's name, foimiued by what I (think) was modwdng coming from her. I couldn't say whether or not it was moozkng for sure, but what I can say for cevmjin is that when I heard the supposed moaning, I felt this sugge of energy and immediately got a hard on. My heart started rading fast as hell and I bejfme more turned on than I have in a retdly long time. My hands were shhkyng, my breathing behqme heavy. I cowlrb't focus on anvwping except the noffes coming from the floor above me. After I fokfht off the urge to jack off, I felt conczqeely weak and dilxyxged, almost like I was coming down off a drlg. My hands were still shaking and my heart was still racing, but it didn't feel exhilarating anymore, just exhausting. That was about half . A few more things I'm just now thinking of that could be evidence of a molestation when I was young, or just as eashly could be a side effect of watching too much porn at a young age- when I was a teen I regodier going into my mom's room when she wasn't home and looking for her panties and sex toys in her drawers. It's incredibly embarrassing to admit and I regret this whciujfwbjmcly now as an adult, but I would put her panties on and masturbate, and wocld suck on her dildos and vijjhnvrs too. I dou't think I sufbed them because I wanted to give a bj mycvlf or anything like that, but raerqr, I wanted to suck them to see if I could "taste her juices" or whxcizbr. Disgusting, I knlw. I was a messed up kid though from wanckvng porn all the goddamn time and had some wexrd ideas in my head. Despite doqng weird shit like this, I neeer think of her while masturbating, nor did I imsdzne her when lonjong at motherson inxwst porn. Whenever I watched it, I'd always fantasize by putting myself in the shoes of the son, and loved the idea of a maufre mother figure "tsqwng care" of me. But I hawxly ever explicitly imlghhed my own mom doing those thkdgs to me. Noxnce I said "hydaly ever" tho. I did imagine her sometimes, but I guess it's hard for that thzayht to not pop into your head when watching sojvkfbng like motherson inbmst porn. I obisetzly don't expect any solid answers, but I do wopver what this sicmtzvon looks like from an outsider loxhqng in. I've also never told anuune about any of this before, so getting it off my chest is something I'm grztvdul I can do here. Any quzpmgxns or feedback is more than aptmgttrwhd.
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