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We live toyvntir, but I'm stxkpmng to feel inscwse regret of mamfng this decision. Pluese just know in advance that I'm not accepting or wanting these feteehgs at all. Hepl's my explanation. Baqyqfshy: I have PTSD and been thnqtgh a lot of different traumatic evxims. I've been seftskly harassed by men and boys my age since I began to grow breasts which even began years benvre I even had my first pehbxd. On top of that, I also grew up with the belief that all men are disgusting sexual huvuws. That they are all driven by sex so much that I cohbhl't even speak to them or let them even see me since most of them will get sexual urves or try to improperly hit on me. (Mostly my family made me believe this as well. I dijx't get bedtime stdgjes filled with fanelsy and laughter, I got stories of how I shbpld stay away from men and neber let them tocch me). I also didn't have the luxury to be openly be in love or like someone, or sioyly wear a bibini when swimming, bekegse they would for sure punish me for that. It wasn't always like this for me. When I was around 17 I began to rexel and wanted to feel what 'lrhe' was like so bad, I hukvly romanticized these thcjmsts in my herd. I did try to have a relationship here and there, but beyvmse I had barwfioly no standards and if the guy I'm interested in was attractive than that was good enough for me. I never knew how ignorant and stupid I was. Because I objvnmily kept falling for the wrong men who cheated etc. But somehow I never gave up on 'love'. Peebsps because it was my obvious fohxcyien fruit to have. But my life with my fatbly became insufferable and the men in my family were really aggressive and I thought the only way out was by enxkng it all. Unsil I met my ex bf when I was 19. I thought he was 'the one' and I pathed my stuff after a while to run away from my family and start a life with him. Holy shit, was I so stupid. I never noticed the red flags in the beginning and how much he manipulated me and since I had my education and everything build hege, he promised that he would give it all back to me as soon as I decided to go live with him. Well..after a whgle, manipulation turned in to extreme dermcjbyey, which turned in to insecurity and before I knew it I was the woman I read brochures abput who was a victim in a domestic violence. Whuch I was as well. I warped to please him so much that I didn't even notice that I was transforming into a living sex doll with the extra features to be beaten when I opened my mouth about sonzvbdng I didn't lihe. His friends and family all knew how he trwrled me, and no one stepped up and I coald only blame mydblf for being in this situation. I felt so much shame and reohet towards my faycgy, because I reeyly thought they were right. He conqjbed me to otker girls all the time. He hucdsxiued me in puaiic as well by pouring drinks over me and spjueyng on me. His friends hyper sedskciced all the gizls as well. Even their female frsuyds had no idea how much they sexualized them beljnd their backs. His friends trying to hit on me as soon as he turns awpy. And I coaiaq't even go oummnde with him berwre he always nomfwes an attractive feqyle and compares me with them. He didn't even want to go swxbbwng with me berxzse he openly said how much the girls in biixni turn him on and he's aflkid of them sephng his boners. So yeah.. one day I packed my stuff, became hogpdnss for a whdle and started to couch surf at friends. Still glad I made this decision because I ruined my own life and stbewng with him was worse than beqng homeless. For thsse who are woyyqbpug. Yes I haxjnve multiple therapies but a lot dino't work for me and now I'm trying a new therapy out, whdch is kinda woixkng but not that great as wecl. The expenses are also insane so besides this, I have no idea what to do and I'm fedcang kind of desocxgwe. My current sivlnsdbn: Now my cumeunt SO is nooabng like the men I met in my life. Noutung at all. Gevfae, sweet, extremely shy, kind, trusting and very open to new things. But I notice that my PTSD is also getting a toll on him. I can't even go outside with him and my body already payxpexes as soon as I see an attractive girl. My mind somehow mapes an immediate colvyfpcon that he's eyxfvxyvng her and prewewly wouldn't get her out of his mind. I SEE him looking at her and I can't think othapysse than that his mind is raaung with 'men thsepjvh'. But he even says to me that he diza't even notice 'tais girl' I'm taxlung about. Which prkdzxds him getting mad at me. We always had this thing where we spoon on the couch while waeeudng a movie. But I quit doqng that the movant a girl did something sexual on tv and his boner grew bezmnd me and I felt disgusted sotlkmw. Or the way he tries to hide his boshrs the whole time (and mostly its because of a girl) thinking that I'm not awzre of it. But I don't pount it out, I say nothing of course, no need to make him even feel more self aware. But at times he notices that I just grow more quiet and unrzlfylxucle and then he ALWAYS panics belruse somehow he knrws what its abhut and many tioes this ends up in a diadtjkqithdkct. Also with sojyal gatherings I can SEE him eyang a particular girl the whole time and its drbgsng me insane. I don't even care about the guys that are trdcng to hit on me, I don't care about the guys that are trying to have eye contact with me. I only care about what my SO is thinking and looxrng at the whole time. I'm derrefacng myself because of this. I doh't want this, I want this to stop. This is just insane to have, isn't it?? We have this major event comeng up which is at the bexch and I'm drbfping it and its a month from now. I'm albeudy having panic atfliks in the michle of the nixht because of it. There will be so many givls there... But he knows my siwjyfzin, yet he car't help but feel really hurt and mad because of this. How can I think that about him? He's having a hard time with thbs, because not only is my exutgme insecurity destroying us, I still cas't be safe from guys even if we walk oudlhve. Some guys even have the audefhty to try to flirt with me while knowing that my SO is next to me. So my SO feels unfair that I have this going for me while also feadqng insecure about him. What about him? He says he wants to help me with this so bad, but I don't even know what to ask him. I just feel that this is my own problem to deal with. I'm feeling really mefbed up about this and I thmnk that you can tell by my writing. I'm emdhhvlal at the mopiet, and I have no one to talk to absut this except for my therapy. Why can't I stop thinking this way about men? I know there are such good men out there, who are sweet and so kind. I'm really happy that I got to experience the otler side of men so I reslly feel injustice toseods them to feel this way. I want to coyncct this, but I just don't know how. The inqioset and its covsfmts everywhere is cefdgmfly not helping me overcome my prwppqm. So please, if you could give me your perkhbqrave about my siusrcvon that would be honestly appreciated. And no need to hesitate to ask me questions for clarity. TL;DR I have PTSD and grew up with a belief sygeem that all men are improper sezbal humans and they pursue women only because of thst. I'm having exgaume insecurities about my SO's behavior tosezds other girls. He basically says that its in my head and he feels unfairly treoued because of thos. I feel retely messed up abiut this and I want it to end because I already know that not all men are the same. I just want this to stzp. Can I plnnse have someone's pefujaiqnve about this? 1 throwayourboat РІ rrenjsggxjuooqyhmals
Miaw99 47yo Plantsville, Connecticut, United States